Dear Senior Citizen Self,

Old Ainge
Old Ainge

Dear Old Lady Ainge,

Listen here lady…. go get a face lift. You look like hell!  Quit driving your kids crazy!  Get your shit packed up, and move into a 5 star assisted living residence.  Why on earth would you want to stay home?  You’re lonely, you hate doing laundry, you are probably putting dirty dishes away instead of clean, and  you can only shuffle so much crap.  Call a spade a spade…crap.  That’s what you have, and that’s what you are going to keep collecting.  Just think, 5 star hot meals.  Laundry done.  Housekeeping on site.  Scrud woman….sounds better than a cruise.  At least you won’t get sea sick.  Who knows, Adam Levine might be your new neighbor.  That’s a good thing.  Oww. Oww!

Start giving your kids a monthly allowance.  You were always so stingy with your money, that you may get extra brownie points and a first class ticket to Heaven, IF you start sharing now, you old hag.  I don’t care if it’s $20 bucks a month, that’s $100 bucks a month that will go to a good cause.  That’s $100 bucks a month less crap your kids will have to go through when you die.  Seriously, they don’t want your stuff.  The only good thing you have is your Halloween Village, and that may cause hate and discontent on who gets that.  You should have planned better.  What the hell were you thinking? Five kids….one Halloween Village.  Your village is pretty damn cool though.  Actually, give the Village to your 8th grandchild.  Eight has always been our lucky number.  Let’s let them duke it out.

Now,  don’t live with Jos.  She will make you suffer through every childhood memory she has.  The way she remembers it.  You would be better of dying and going to hell.  Trust me.

Meagan, you don’t want to live with her either.  I think she would sing princess songs day and night, and all her animals will drive you bat shit crazy.

Elle isn’t an option either.  Remember when Chris would lecture, and lecture, and lecture.  Elle is worse.  You wouldn’t have to go anywhere, because she would be telling you the same thing over, and over, and over.  We would just have the same conversation 24/7.  Just say NO!

Good luck keeping up with Chloe.  If you want to go skydiving again at 90 years old, go.  Go, be crazy.  If you want to watch her bull ride. Go!  If you want to think to yourself…WTF did I do there?!? Go! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Zoë is your safest bet, but her kids are wild!  Remember how sweet Zoë was?  Well it skips a generation!  It would be a nice place to visit….for a short amount of time.

Someday you will be reunited again with your soul mate.  The one who makes you happy.  Chris is up there laughing his ass off.  I can hear him saying….”I told you so.” or “you should have been nicer.”  But hey, it’s not my said clearly on the label:

  • sudden vision loss in one or both eyes
  • sudden hearing loss
  • stroke or even death is possible while on this medication

Damn little blue pills.  Sad Panda.

Anyhow, what we covered in this letter.

  1. Move to assisted living.
  2. Don’t live with your kids, you were a bitch to live with the first time.
  3. Stop putting so much “dirty”  in your Dr. Pepper.  (HEEEEYYY. Just seeing if you’re paying attention.)
  4. Ju crazy.  We had some pretty fun times.  Slow down and relax.  Just wait until they see what you wrote for your obituary.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Mid-Life Crisis Ainge





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