For the love, people! Cold and flu season is among us. Please keep cover your mouth when you sneeze, and don’t run up to me and lick my face. That would be really bad!
So, tonight we will go through ten signs and symptoms you are getting the flu.
1. Your nose starts running. You’re reading, *sniff* *sniff*. You are watching TV. *sniff* *sniff* You are trying to just get comfortable, and as soon as you do, you have to get up to get another tissue. Your husband tells you to go blow your nose. He can’t hear the football game over your sniffles. Really? At least I’m up and moving. If he had a runny nose, he would be dying and moaning in MY bed. Seriously!
2. The dreaded “body aches.” This is probably the main reason I don’t workout. (Not really, but it will work.) Your body hurts in places you didn’t even know you had muscles. Your eyelids, your big toe, your left ear lobe. What the hell? I get the basic aches. Neck, back, and shoulders, but WOWZA….everything hurts. Sad panda!
3. Your head hurts so bad, you’re sure it may, or may not explode at any moment. My daughter explained her headache to me like this: “My brain is growing so rapidly, that my skull can not contain the size of my brain, and then the skin surrounding my skull is trying to stretch around it all to give it a big hug….and it doesn’t want a hug right now. In other words, my head hurts.” I guess that’s one way to explain it.
4. You ears will drive you bat shit crazy. They will pop when you don’t need them to. They won’t pop when you want them to. When you talk, it sounds like you’re in a tin can in Timbuktu, that in itself will make you crazy. Then as soon as you get your ears to pop, you blow your nose and the insanity starts all over! This is making me a little bit irritated just typing about it. ( I know you all just tried to pop your ears.)
5. One word. NyQuil! I have it in every flavor, chilled in the fridge. Sometimes, I add an extra flavor shot. Also known as Jose, Jack, or Jim. That makes for a good night!
6. You start singing Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre songs, just in case you don’t make it through the night. “I been in the game for ten years makin rap tunes ever since honeys was wearin sassoon.” Who knows what I’m talking about?
7. I have new friends at the local drug store. In fact, they called me by my first name today. They probably think I’m making meth, or “Robo-ing” when all I want, is not to see their cute little faces again! I’m not your friend. No, I don’t know where I got my shirt, and thanks…I like my hair too. Damn punks!
8. For one split millisecond you wonder if its Ebola. Yep, it was short lived. I don’t. It’s just a sissy la la cold…..or maybe strep……or maybe schizophrenia. I don’t know, they all seem the same to me.
9. You’ve got chiiiilllllllllls, their multiplying…and you’re losing control. All you want to do it stay in a nice hot bath…for about 4 days. Then when you finally do get out of the bath, you’re roasting. You’re yelling because the heat is set at 90 degrees. Then you remember 20 minutes earlier you were freezing. In my next life, I may want to come back as a flu virus. Think about it!!
10. You’re dreading going to work tomorrow. Just the thought of waking up to an alarm clock pains you. The thought of getting up and down from your desk, makes you quiver. The thought of trying to be nice, when all you want to do is lock yourself in a black hole and die, makes you suck at life. (I won’t know these things, my boss it the whiz-nit.)
In closing…who can relate to these? I know right at this very moment, I can. I hate feeling like crap, but I also welcome having an excuse to do nothing. HAHA!