In My Next Life, I Want to Come Back As…..

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A male.. naked.. hairless.. mole rat!  Yep, is there some kind of request form I can fill out now, just in case I forget?  Why on earth would you want to be that?  They are so ugly!  I have the answers…they are this.

  • Male – I think that a man can put on sweats and a white tank top (a.k.a. wife beater), and go to Walmart and not a person would care.  If a woman were to do that, she would end up in the People of Walmart skit.
  • Male – Three words…. NO.  BRA.  EVER. or NO.  AUNT.  FLO.  (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re too young. Lucky you!)
  • Naked – Ladies….how many times do we wonder what to wear?  I know I try and have something picked out the night before.  The next day, when I put it on…I hate it! Repeat day after day.  When I say, I don’t have a thing to wear, that translates to I’m fat. (Yes Jos, that is a phat joke.)
  • Naked – If we didn’t wear clothes, there would be NO laundry.
  • Hairless – We all get this one.  Guys cry because they have to shave their face every few days.  (Do you want some french cries with your waaaaaaaa-burger, fellas?)  Come on now.  Legs, arm pits, everyday!  Not to mention the waxing.  This is crap!
  • Hairless – Think of all the time you would save doing ones hair.  If I were a male..naked..hairless..mole rat, I don’t know what else I would be doing, but I wouldn’t be worried about what the Old Lady thinks about my hair. Oh wait, there is one female to three males hairless mole rat.  Game changer?? NOT!
  • Mole Rat – It was the only thing that came to mind that was hairless.  I’m not going to lie.

I have another reason to be male.  PREGNANCY!  I think God intended men to be pregnant at first, then he saw how they act when they get a the flu, so he had to go to plan B.  Don’t get me wrong, I love taking care of a grown man when his head hurts, or when he’s puking in the bathroom, and by the sound of it there should be a gold bar in the toilet, I mean he’s been in there making the sounds of mating cats for 20 minutes, and all there is in the toilet is a little curdled milk chunk. (I may have just threw up in my mouth a little.) Not to mention what happens to your body.  Your boobs drag the ground, your hips need a “wide load” sign, your butt needs a cushion to sit on, and “knankles” bring on a whole new meaning!  One time my husband told me that morning sickness was “all in my head.”  Let me tell you, three pregnancies later, I never heard those words again.  Speaking of…hormones, the short straw the females get to deal with too.  All around I’m getting pissed just typing this.  HAHA, just kidding. 🙂 Just to add salt into an open wound.  Let me post some pregnancy pictures for your viewing enjoyment.

 

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Halloween 2009. The day before Chloe was born.
Jos with Alli Bear
Jos with Alli Bear
7 Months with Zoë
7 Months with Zoë

 

Thank. You. Me. for not ever having to go through that again.  It’s a good thing the torch has been passed to Jos.  She made the cutest grand baby. 🙂   What would you want to be in your next life?  Ladies, do you feel the pain?  What were your pregnancies like?  Good or bad?  Guys, what do you remember most about your partners pregnancy?  The six weeks after baby don’t count!  Stay tuned….

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