Male Guide to Female Communication

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Okay, Fellas….listen up. I’m trying to help you out. Listed below are the top 10 communication errors made by men. In no particular order.

  1.  I was thinking….. ~ this means she is about to lay down some crazy $h!t. She has left her mortal body, and escaped to her happy place. This is usually the start of a massive “honey-do” list. My advice for men…nod your head up and down. Seem interested, even if your not. Possibly add a “I like that” or a “sounds awesome” for an added touch.
  2. Never mind! I’ll do it myself! ~ You’re an ass. You’ll be in the dog house for a bit. Possibly followed by the silent treatment. There is no recovering from this. You’re done.
  3. I’m fine! ~ If a woman says this….RUN! Fact is, she’s probably just the opposite. However, before you run..act mildly concerned. Maybe even a small butt tap to make her feel better. She’s likely to be pissed about something you said, or did and you don’t even know you did it. It’s complicated.
  4. Do these jeans make my butt look fat?  Those jeans she is wearing may look like she stuffed 22 loaves of bread into a sandwich bag, but the only words that need to come out of your mouth is a simple “no.”
  5. If you ask her where she wants to eat and she says “anywhere” this means : Anywhere BUT no Chinese, not a place that is loud, somewhere that has good service, not a place that takes forever to be served. A place where you won’t run into someone you may know. The list is endless. To save time, just drive. Don’t give her the option of picking a place. (Good luck!)
  6. YES! ~ Yes. Or maybe. Probably no.
  7. Whatever. ~  Men, you have won this round. Women will refuse to concede, so I’m dismissing that last point you made, and we shall never speak of this again. EVER!
  8. I’ll be ready in a couple minutes. ~ Chances are you have enough time to watch at least one episode of LIVE PD. Maybe even two. If she is taking longer..don’t ask her what is taking so long. This could lead to a whole different disaster.
  9. Can I have a couple of your french fries? ~ WARNING…do NOT give her the “go to hell” look at this very moment. If you do, it will be followed by an “okay, fine.” When she asks you for a bite of your food, present your whole plate to her. After all, she is your Queen.
  10. Why are you this way? ~ This likely means that you’re chewing too loudly. Possibly breathing wrong, or left the toilet seat up. You could be holding the remote with the wrong hand, or forgot to take the trash out. Just smile when she asks you this. Nothing more is needed.

Did I leave anything off the list? What is your pet peeve saying? I need to know!

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Angel was raised in rural Utah. In the small town of Roosevelt. Angel moved to Provo, Utah when she was 11 years old. She attended Timpview High School, and graduated from the school of hard knocks. Angel married at the age of 17, and had two lovely little girls. She later divorced. In 2001 she met the man of her dreams, and together they welcomed three more bouncing baby girls. Come along with us as we travel, cook, learn, and love.

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