I’m sure 99.99999% of you thought I had died. I have not. I am here. Sometimes life throws some really sketchy curve balls. I am on the receiving end of my 643rd sketchy curve ball in a row, but who is counting? I have had a lot on my mind lately. Most of it has to do with religion. (YAY me!) Ew. I am not a huge “churchgoer.” I don’t think I ever have been. As a small child, I remember attending church. I remember my Dad taking me out of our chapel because I was misbehaving. Actually, I think this happened every Sunday. At the age of 12 I quit going to church. This particular ward was very “cliquish.” I didn’t fit into any of the cliques, and soon became the outcast. My Dad would stay home with me on Sunday’s during the next couple years. He said he wanted someone to be at the house with me. I said it was because he didn’t have a clique either. 😉 We moved across town, a couple of times during my teenage years. When we finally got settled, I was 15. When we started going to church again, as a family, I felt that I had no cultivation in the gospel. That when I would attend church, I knew nothing of what they were talking about. This made me feel very uncomfortable. So, for the next year I would physically attend church, and while I was physically there….emotionally I was untouched. Fast forward to 2016. Some 20 plus years after attending church as an active member, my husband and I started taking the missionary lessons. Yep! Missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I remember my first thought when I saw the “Sisters” at the door. ” How did they find me?” And as a friend pointed out….”they can find people who lived thousands of years ago, finding a living person is the easy part!” I was very skeptical at first. You see, my husband and I took the missionary discussions in 2004, with no avail. Why would this go around be any different? Against my better judgement, I invited them in. Arrangements were made for them to return when Chris (my non-member husband) was home. In March of 2017 Chris and I took out our endowments in the Albuquerque, NM LDS Temple, and were sealed as a family on April 8, 2017 in the SLC LDS Temple. Everything was perfect.
Fast forward to 2018. We have since moved out of our FAVORITE ward in the history of ever. When we moved in December of 2017 we didn’t realize the impact that it would make on our lives. We soon found ourselves making excuses why we couldn’t attend church. It’s not that we didn’t believe in the church, it’s just that we left the only thing we, as a family knew and loved in a ward. We have attended our new ward ONCE since we moved. (And that’s only because I made a promise with my brother.) As of late, I’m struggling with myself. I read a talk last night and it was just what I needed to hear. Elder Jeffery R. Holland (my favorite) He states:
“Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” Elder Holland continues: The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue – it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.
This was just what I needed to hear. I do believe. I also believe that any tiny little fragment of faith you have, is all you need. Hold it close! Treasure it, nurture it, and it will have no other choice but to grow. I may be behind everyone else in understanding the church and its teachings. However, I’m hopeful that I will continue to mature to the level needed to be happy with myself.
What are your words of advice? How did you become spiritually rich? Have you ever thought about leaving the church? How do you stay eager to learn? What is the easiest way for you to stay vigilant?