Okay Folks! There has been something on my mind. I have to share this, and I know we can’t get any lower on the blog post scale. Warning..it’s a touchy subject, but everyone in one way or the other will get to experience it. Men…this means you too. It’s egregious and by definition:
Meno-pause \ noun: Derived from the Latin root for WTH is happening to me. The time of life where a woman doesn’t know if she is coming or going, on fire or freezing, ecstatic or ready to jump off a bridge into a shallow pool of water below, if she is yelling or whispering, if she wants to diet or to eat every carbohydrate in sight. Common phrases used during this time include: ” sweet muffin top”, “oh damn, another hot flash”, “mood swing”, or “brain fog”. Woman in menopause may self medicate with: wine, vodka, ice cream, chocolate, online purchases, HuLu, or by looking at pictures of Sam Elliott or Dwayne Johnson.
I have always wanted to come back in my next life as a male, naked, hairless mole-rat. Male for obvious reasons. Naked…because who likes wearing clothes? The underwire bra is the equivalent to a pair of underwear made out of Velcro. Why doesn’t the male version of the bra (jockstrap) have underwire in them? Seriously? The over the shoulder boulder holder is comparable to the under the butt nut hut. Right? Things are just not adding up equally.
The female body endures some pretty marvelous things. Starting as young teenagers. I’ve experience this first hand. I swear to you, I was not half as bad as my own daughters during this almost heroic stage of womanhood. I am the Mom of five girls. The oldest is 27, 25, 16, 10, and the baby is 8. Last week, my 16 year old was an emotional wreck. I would slide numerous Reese’s peanut butter cups under the door to her bedroom. After competing, I would run down the hall while screaming “Satan has been FED!” Luckily, I can run faster than she can. I’m already looking forward to doing it all over again next month….and the next….and the next. #notreally
Secondly, pregnancy and childbirth. What once was a somewhat normal body has now just become a cesspool of boobs, excess skin, kankles, and now we pee a little whenever we laugh, cough, or sneeze. Don’t get me wrong…childbirth, either natural or by c-section is a miracle. However, one never fully recovers from this. Last week, my family and I were driving the back-roads of Colorado. As we were driving..I saw a cow, whose utters were dragging on the ground. They were enlarged, tight, and I could not believe it was physically possible to get high centered on a set of utters. I saw it! At first, I felt sorry for this poor cow. I had never seen her before. She wasn’t our animal. Just a cow doing her thing. Then I had flashbacks to my own personal experience. I distinctively remember after my last child was born. I had her via C-section. I spent the few days in the hospital, then was released. The next morning I was standing at the mirror in awe of what had happened overnight. I went to bed with 36DD and woke up a 36 ZZZ. And lets not forget the awesome “Granny Panties” you get while in the hospital! You will sport those suckers for the next six weeks.
Lastly, this brings us to my current stage of life. Menopause! What the hell is going on here? I don’t even know where to start? Pick one… The Goatee. My Grandma and Mom both had a few long white chin hairs. Growing up, I always wanted to pluck them. My mom had a full blown mustache. ME? I have a full blown goatee. Not soft, warm, peach fuzz hair. Full blown black whiskers. I’ll tweeze one, to find another, and another. Normally, I would go to a salon and have them waxed. Unfortunately, that isn’t an option during the stay at home orders that are in place due to COVID-19. And your vision? It’s GONE!
Next, hot flashes and night sweats. I found this definition:
Hot Flash \ n: a point in time when your body decides to spontaneously combust while taking you on a secret roller coaster ride through the bowls of Hell.
Weight Gain. We have all gained a pound or two since High School. Lost weight just to gain it back. This isn’t like that. You could be running on the treadmill take a look at the loaf of white bread on the kitchen counter and BAM! you just gained two pounds. It’s not slow or gradual. It’s a holy chit…I gained six pounds last night. It has nothing to do with the 14 chocolate chip cookies I ate yesterday either. Because I don’t even like chocolate! But DON’T you dare say anything to me about eating those cookies….which bring us to:
Mood Swings: I would like to self isolate from myself, please! My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette! My husband should get the gold metal in the sport of “Most Ass Chewings Over Minuscule Shit.” Actually, I think he deserves higher than gold!
Guys, if you haven’t experience menopause yet, prepare yourselves now. If you are currently going through it, I feel your pain! If you’ve completed level 5 of menopause, I’d like some pointers on how to survive!